Well we got some news today that made me very angry! My brother went out to visit Landon's grave, and already someone has stolen stuff from his grave!! The angel stake was stolen, and a stuffed bear that came from one of the flower arrangements that was sent to his funeral (the one the Blue Ridge spouses sent) was also stolen. I don't know how someone could be so cruel and do that to a baby's grave, especially when it is so new... its still dirt, grass has not even had time to grow there, and his permanent headstone is not even there yet!! We ordered his angel stake online, and had it personalized. It comes with one side of a heart that says In Loving Memory, but on the other side we had it engraved with "We Love You, Mommy & Daddy". So tomorrow my family is going to go look at all the other graves, and see if they can find it. Whoever stole it probably does not know it was personalized, they probably thought it just came like that. And if they find out who took it, I am going to find those people and have a talk with them myself!! Whoever did this to Landon's grave is selfish and evil. I feel like they violated my baby's grave, and it makes me want to cry. In the end these ugly people will get what they deserve, karma has a way of catching up to these kind of people!!!

We went to visit Landon's grave yesterday and brought over all the flowers from his funeral. We could not leave all of them because ceramic and glass are not allowed on the graves. We put his stone and angel stake on his grave as well. We found out that they have lost/misplaced Landon's hand prints. They took them so we could get them engraved on a necklace, so we are hoping that they find them!!

Today we went to lunch with my friend Ashley. She also just had a baby, Hailey, she was born a month after Landon. We saw them last week, but I could not bring myself to hold her because I cried just seeing her. But today I held her, and it was totally different than when I held Landon, maybe because she is a girl, or maybe just because she wasn't mine.

After lunch we went to visit Landon. We brought a card for him, and talked to him for a little while.

We leave tomorrow morning to go back to Japan, but we'll be back in Phoenix September 19th.

Landon's grave with all the pretty flowers

His grave stone and angel stake
With his angels from the flower baskets
Ashley and me at lunch
Ashley, me, and her 2 kids Caden and Hailey

(Carlos got to be the photographer all day... poor guy)

Landon's funeral was today, and he can now rest in peace. The pastor was amazing, and performed a beautiful service. There were so many people that came to see Landon and celebrate his life with us. After the service we were able to hold him one more time, we told him we love him, and we told him how much we miss him. We tried to make his casket as comfortable for him as we could, we layed down a soft and cuddly blanket, and then covered him with another. His bear Benny is snuggled up with him in his arms, and we each wrote him a letter and put those in there with him, along with our family picture. Grandma Carla gave him a special bracelet that he is wearing, and Great Grandma Lawania gave him a small pair of Angel wings. Great Grandpa Gary gave him 3 pennies (you'll know what that means if you have ever heard about Pennies from Heaven). Then Uncle Tyler and Uncle James carried him out for the grave side service and the final prayer. Then they lowered him into the ground and each family member threw a white rose into his grave. It was so hard today to tell him good-bye, knowing this was the last time we would ever hold him in our arms or kiss his beautiful face. I miss him so much, and I would give absolutely anything to have him back here with me. He was the most perfect baby. I know he is in heaven now, and waiting for the day mommy and daddy come join him. One thing the pastor said was that heaven knows no time, so to Landon, we could be there in just the blink of an eye. It will be like we were never apart. We will never forget our little Landon, and everything he brought into this world. Even though he is not physically here, he will always have a special place in our family. He is an incredible son, and we were so blessed to have him in our lives.

We wanted to thank everyone that sent flowers, all the arrangements were so beautiful! Also, we wanted to let everyone know that came to the funeral how much we appreciated it. Even though we didn't get a chance to talk to everyone, it meant so much to us that so many of you cared about Landon, even though you never had the chance to meet him.

We wanted to share some of our photos from the visitation last night, and the funeral today. So if you like, they are attached below. Also, the last photo is a picture of mine and Carlos' tattoos.

Daddy and Landon (Visitation)

Mommy and Landon (Visitation)
Mommy and Landon at the funeral today

The grave side service,

Landon's casket is being lowered into the ground

Our tattoos

Daddy got Landon's picture

Mommy got Landon's actual footprints

Today we got to go see Landon at the funeral home. It was not at all like we expected it to be. They had him in a room to give us privacy, and as soon as I walked in and saw my baby in the casket I started crying. I went right over and picked him up. He was so different than the last time I held him. He was so cold, I think he was frozen because his body was stiff and would not move. Even where he has his baby fat, it would not move. They had his body wrapped in plastic, all except his head and hands. They put make up on him, and it looks horrible. I am going to talk to them tomorrow and try to have someone re-do it. We brought clothes to change him into, but we were afraid to because his body was so stiff. So we left them with the funeral home to change him, and we made sure they were going to put him into his new diaper I left with them. The one they had him in was ugly and way too big. His sweet baby smell was gone, all I could smell was the formaldehyde. Even though everything was so sad and so different, I am still glad we went to see him, I got to give him kisses and talk to him and hold him. It was so different holding him and kissing him, his skin was not like it used to be, it was leathery. I am not sure what to compare it too, but maybe a doll. It was Landon's body, but it defiantly was not Landon. It was so hard to see him like this, I miss him so much. I knew we'd always want a little more time with him, it was never going to be enough. But I really want him back! He is so alone, and thats not how it should be. He should be here with us.

-Erin-

We went to the funeral home today to make arrangements. We confirmed that it will be on Saturday, August 23rd at 1:00. We would love for anyone in the area to come. If you would like to please let us know and we will tell you where it is. You can call us at 602-399-1509 or email us at brooke2002@aol.com

Carlos and Erin

We just found out that we will be flying out of Japan this afternoon. We will arrive in Phoenix Friday afternoon. Landon has had quite a trip too... On Monday he went to Yakota Air Force Base, then on Tuesday was flown from there to Okinawa. They got him prepped there, and will arrive in Phoenix Saturday at 7:51 PM. We are planning on having the funeral on Saturday, August 23rd. This is all we know as of right now. I put a couple pictures of Landon from his birth. I know some people that have been looking at our blog never saw these...

Our blue baby!!

If you look at his hand, you can see his extra pinkie.

Mommy and Landon
Daddy and Landon
First family picture
Cute baby!!

This is the picture that went on his birth announcement.

This is a poem that I wrote for Landon over these last couple of days.

Daddy's Wish

I close my eyes and I see your face

I dream of feeling your warm embrace

I find comfort in feeling your head against my chest

I smile as I smell your warm sweet breath

You wrap your hand around my finger and let out a quiet coo

I kiss your forehead softly and whisper, I love you

I open my eyes expecting to see you laying next to me

But I know in my heart that this is not to be

It was eight weeks and a day after you were born

That the Lord decided to call you home

And though it was hard to watch you leave

I know that heaven is a better place for you to be

Still, I wish you could have stayed

I'd give anything for just one more day

To see your eyes and your handsome face

To feel the warmth of your embrace

To lay your head against my chest

And once again smell your sweet breath

To watch your hand wrap around my finger and listen to your quiet coo

To kiss your forehead one last time and whisper I love you.

I love you Landon. Daddy misses you.

Today at 4:00 am Landon became an angel... We have known that our time with him would be limited, but nothing could prepare us for how much our hearts would be aching. We have chosen to be happy, and celebrate Landon's life. We were so lucky to have Landon as our son, he was so amazing, and brought us so much happiness and love. He taught us the true meaning of unconditional love. He made us a family. He will always always always be in our hearts!! There will not be a single day that goes by that we won't remember our son and think about him and how much he fought to stay with us for 58 days!! He was so strong, but his little body just could not take anymore. Yesterday morning is when we knew his time was coming soon. He stopped breathing so much, and we kept giving him mouth to mouth. As the day went on, it seemed like he was starting to be in pain before each episode. He would tense up, his whole body would not move, and he would scream... not cry, but scream. He looked scared. After his episode was over he had a lifeless look in his eye, he was not himself. We gave him a bath, and cried through the whole thing, we knew that it was probably the last bath we would ever give him. We had to make a decision, what to do? We have always said as long and he was fighting, we would fight with him. But we did not want to be selfish and keep bringing him back, just to cause him the same pain all over again. We decided it was time to let him go. And we did. It was so incredibly hard to just sit there and hold our baby knowing that he was dying. We told him over and over how much we love him, and how strong he has been. We told him how special he is, and how we will never forget him. He is the best thing to ever happen to us. After 1/2 hour his heart stopped beating (3:59 am). And we just cried, that's all we could do, cry and hold our baby. We took some pictures, 78 to be exact, then we got ready to go. We dressed him, and wrapped him in a warm blanket, he was so cold. We brought a teddy bear with him so he wasn't alone. We walked to the hospital. When we got there we went into the trauma room, the nurse came in with the doctor, we talked to them briefly. Shortly after the chaplain came in and prayed with us, he held our hands and placed them on Landon. After that we were left to spend alone time with Landon, we talked to him the whole time. We told him thank you for being our baby, that he was the best baby we could ever have, and that he was wonderful. We kissed him all the way from the top of his head to the bottom of his feet. Then it was time to go. There are absolutely no words to describe what we had to do next. We had to lay our baby on the bed, turn around and leave. We broke down. We kissed him, told him we love him, and we told him how much we are going to miss him. We told him he is absolutely perfect. Then we left. We miss him, we miss him so much. We will never get over this, but we are working together to get through this. That's why we have chosen to be happy. Landon made us happy, just thinking of him makes us smile. We will remember him always as our perfect, beautiful baby boy.

*We have posted some photos, the last 3 may be too hard for some people to see, they were taken after he passed. So don't scroll down if you don't want to see them. We thought they were sweet and beautiful and wanted to share them with anyone who wanted to see them*

Landon's last bath

Last night after bath time
His adorable feet that we love so much...

with Mommy and Daddy's wedding rings
Landon and Mommy
Landon and Daddy

Today was a great day, no breathing problems at all!!! He was having some cramps so we have been giving him Baby Gas X and it seems to be helping. He was lifting his head today. When Carlos came home from work and kissed Landon on the cheek, he lifted his head and tried to turn towards him! It was cute! We also recently found out my brother Tyler joined the Navy, he is going to be an Engine Man, he goes to boot camp in February.

-Erin-

Landon and Benny

And another
Landon and daddy napping after work
Mommy and Landon watching TV
And for Uncle Tyler...

This is the second post for today, but the craziest things happened... Landon opened his other eye! We were told there was no eye in the socket, that it was empty, but today he showed us his beautiful eye! We were all sitting on the couch when we noticed it looked like he had it slightly open. The eye is really small and does not open very wide. It is still blue (the other is brownish usually), we don't know if its like that because it has been shut for the past 7 weeks or what, but we are so excited!!

Here is one photo with Carlos holding it open so you can see it a little better...

Here is Landon opening it on his own...

Last night after I posted the last entry Landon stopped breathing again. But with mouth to mouth he started again. He was fine the rest of the night until 2:30 in the morning. I woke up when he started crying, I picked him up and then he threw up. He stopped breathing, we cleared out his airway and started mouth to mouth. That time it took awhile, this was the only time we have looked at a clock to see how long it took, and it was around 5 minutes from when he threw up until he started to breath on his own. He was breathing normal, so we went back to bed and at 10:00 we were feeding him, and he threw up. We took his tube out and did mouth to mouth again. It didn't take long before he started to breath again. Around 1:00 Landon started to not breath very well, and then just stopped. Once again we gave him mouth to mouth and he started to breath. Ever since then he has been ok. Carlos went into work this morning and they let him come home to be with us. We are lucky that they are so understanding about our situation. On a happy note, we got Landon's passport today as well as his report of birth abroad, which is his birth certificate. Also, we wanted to say thank you to everyone for leaving us comments, they are very encouraging and very much appreciated. We are also thankful for every ones prayers, they are obviously being answered since Landon is still with us.

This is how Landon has been sleeping in our bed...

Our family Handsome little man
Showing off his passport
It's Official!!

Today was a hard day... Around 2:30 this morning Landon stopped breathing, he did not throw up and he was not crying. This is the first time he just randomly stopped breathing. Luckily Carlos was still up and sitting next to him. He started giving Landon mouth to mouth and yelled for me. I came out into the living room, and shortly after Landon started breathing and seemed to be doing better. I went back to bed and Carlos stayed with him. Then at 7:30 Landon was crying so Carlos picked him up, and Landon threw up and stopped breathing. Again, he yelled for me and he started giving Landon mouth to mouth. And Landon started breathing again. After this all happened we thought Landon was going to be ok, at least for the rest of the day. We went out to the store, and on the way home Landon started to not breath very well, he would take a breath every few seconds, but that was it. His color was not looking too great either. We got home and sat with him, his breathing was getting worse and worse. He seemed to be getting weaker, and he was so lifeless. We held him, and told him over and over how much we love him and we gave him lots of kisses. At this point, we thought we were saying good bye, we just thought he was too worn out to fight anymore. Eventually he did stop breathing. We gave him mouth to mouth and he started to breath, but not well at all. We figured we just bought ourselves a few more minutes with him. We had decided if he was to stop again, we would let him go. He has been so strong, but we don't want to make him suffer. So we continued to cuddle him and talk to him, and after a little while he started breathing again and looking like his normal self. He seemed ok. And he was ok for awhile, he had his strength again, his eye was open and he was alert. Time went by, we fed him, and then he threw up. He stopped breathing. We could not bring ourselves to not help him, even though that's what we decided. He didn't just randomly stop this time, he was choking on his throw up. So we cleared his airway and gave him mouth to mouth. And it worked, he started breathing. It didn't take too long for him to start breathing again, and return to normal. We have known since he was born that our time with him would be limited, and we know our time is now running out. We know when its time for him to go, he will, but until then we will continue to fight for him. He means everything to us, and we know we'll always want a little more time...

Laying on the couch this morning

Loving on Benny

He is so cute with his knees tucked up!

His hand holding his chest

(that's how he was when we unwrapped him from his blanket)
Another picture with Benny

~Our little miracle~

So I guess that the last email was written a little too soon. Landon had another breathing episode today. We went out to get dinner and on the way he threw up. We didn't have the aspirator with us so we could not suction out his throat. There was an MA (military police officer) there and we asked him to call for an ambulance, and told him that our baby was not breathing. We began mouth to mouth and shortly after a corpsman came by and helped us. Many people surrounded us, and were praying for the baby... and freaking out a little bit. Since today was open base day the roads were blocked off and the streets were filled with people, it took awhile for the ambulance to arrive. But when they did they started using a vacuum suction (very powerful) to clear out his airway, and gave him oxygen. They got Landon in the ambulance and off to the ER. We followed in a police vehicle. Since the roads were still partially blocked the police vehicle we were in went over the curbs, it was nice how fast they got us there. By time we were there Landon was doing much better and he was crying. We stayed there while they continued to suction out his airway and give him oxygen. When we left the ER one of the lady's that was watching as Landon was getting CPR came by to see how he was, she was crying and telling us how much she prayed for him. Also outside the ER was the Command Master Chief of the base, and he wanted to see if he could have the MAs come over and get a statement from us on everything that happened. We walked him home in only his diaper since he had throw up all over his clothes. A 1/2 hour later the MAs came to our house and we gave them our written statements. We are thankful for how quick and efficient the ambulance corpsmen, the corpsmen that stopped to help, and MAs are here on base, without them Landon probably would not have made it.

Landon and daddy after coming home from the hospital

(notice the huge diaper they sent him home in)

Landon in mommy's arms
We thought it was appropriate to dress him in his "Miracle Baby" outfit

Another great day!! We don't want to get too over confident, but it seems like his breathing episodes may be over. Last night Landon was extremely fussy and didn't sleep much, so I was up all night with him. Tonight Carlos is on baby duty all night.

-Erin-

Cute baby feet!

Getting fed while holding a toy and a feeding syringe to help daddy
Our little sailor
Relaxing after a busy day out
Napping on the couch (daddy was right next to him)

Today was another good day, no problems. He did spit up during the night, but he was fine. I moved him up to 54ml today because he seems to be getting more hungry. Its just been me and Landon today, and it will just be us all night too, Carlos had to stay on the ship until tomorrow morning.

-Erin-

Laying in his lounger this morning

Taking a nap
Relaxing in his bath
After his bath
Snug as a bug